Ignorance is bliss

Apr 26

Zibby: You're are a snob.

Jesse: No, I’m not.

Zibby: Yes, you are. You think it’s cool to hate things. And it’s not, it’s boring. Talk about what you love and keep quiet about what you don’t.

Jesse: Look, I know how this sounds, but trust me. This is a big deal, okay? This country is in bad shape and it has to do, in large part, I think, with people liking things that are very, very bad.

Zibby: But according to you, Why are you the one who gets to decide what’s good and bad?

I’ve always been obsessed with great things, I mean the things which I think are great. Meaning, I believed that whatever song I listened or whichever movie I’ve watched are the best ones. And if someone is listening to some shitty song(again, it’s shitty coz, I’ve decided it), I will get extremely angry on them saying why the heck people listen to shit and they should not exist. This applies to me in every aspect of whatever that people do, which in turn I hate. Like, if people listen to EDM’s, I’ll be like “what the heck, there’s no feeling in that, it’s just nonsense. Listen to Bob Dylan, it’s called music and look at the lyrics!’’. But I never really thought that it’s none of my damn business that what song they’re listening to.

I always used to get into heated debates with my friends on this topic almost daily! me saying that they listen to shit and watch worst tv shows and me watching the epic ones and they used to say how the heck I can say that they watch shit. I let every trivial shit to bother me like, I can’t even handle if someone is smoking a cigarette, I just get extremely angry on them, extremely. I will just shout loudly that they should be executed for doing so, yes, I don’t know why but it became more and more in recent years, like from past 2. I can’t accept if someone smokes or they are watching anime shows( I mean come on anime is literal shit).

But suddenly this started bothering me, I started hating myself for being always angry. I’m a IS undergrad and for struggling for months on what to do, finally, I’ve been doing backend development from ten days and never been happier, never in these 2 years. I even somehow made peace with almost everything that’s been bothering me, If someone is hearing EDM’s, I’m like, let them it’s their wish and even I didn’t care that my friend is watching some stupid anime when I recommended him to watch Modern Family. Finally, it’s like all I care about is work, writing API and some other shit. But then it happened, today my roommate's friend came to the room and started smoking a cigarette and I don’t know why it bothered me too much, like never before. So, instead of asking him to smoke outside, I lashed out of the room banging the door behind. I tried convincing myself that it’s okay and let him do whatever the heck he wants.

Emotions are one heck of a thing actually. Emotions make us do all kinds of shit that we generally regret afterward, like lashing out in anger, making screwed up decisions in anxiety and a bunch of other stuff.

But the feeling I had grew and grew. It was a feeling I couldn’t quite name until it burst into my face with its red and orange flares and screaming voice and insistent crackling tension: anger. Then the second thing happened, I saw people playing “Punjabi” songs in a loudspeaker and that’s it, I couldn’t take it anymore.

As the anger rolled and boiled, other memories clawed their way to the surface, demanding to be heard and seen for what they were: situations in which I felt helpless, unheard, ignored, diminished, and shut down. Which ended up in me beating the shit out of a lamppost, killing my fingers.

I knew that all these days, I convinced myself that it’s not my business but I don’t know why it all just broke down. Well, after some time I thought okay leave it, stuff happens and I met with my friends at dinner and they told me that I overreact. They told me who am I to decide what is good or bad? and that I don’t have any right to decide on what others should like. Okay, I felt sad but it’s the truth, everyone is entitled to their opinions and no one has the right to judge others than himself. Then I came back happily to my room and that’s when the third thing happened, my phone adapter shit

Shh, I couldn’t take it anymore, I cursed everything in existence saying everything and everyone are shitholes and this went on for a while. But again I felt sad and the self-loathing hit me. I started thinking maybe I’m in fact overreacting. Yeah, shit happens but that’s life! I can’t always be happy, because there’s no such thing called ‘‘always happy’’. Okay, anyway I had a warranty for that shitty adapter, so not a big deal.

So, finally thinking what a day, I started watching the film that I mentioned above, ‘‘Liberal arts’’. Then I came across the scene, which I’ve written at the beginning. And on seeing that I realized that Jesse is me, I mean that’s how I see the world, it sucks because of people liking low-grade stuff, but that’s the problem, I can’t decide which is low or high. Well, I became happy again, then the fourth thing happened, there’s a bug in ubuntu 19.04. If I connect my Bluetooth headphones, my wifi is disconnecting for 5–10 sec and I have to turn it off and on again for every damn second!

I mean, it’s extremely messed up day. How much one can take, it all looks like small problems, but when you’re already heated up they become huge problems. But here’s a surprise, I didn’t give a shit. I just made some coffee, plugged in my headphones and started listening to Bob Dylan’s “I want you”.

How?

I realized the greatest thing ever, I don’t have a 100% control on what’s going on outside, right? so, the only thing I can control is what’s happening within me, but by allowing every nonsense to bother me, I let them decide what to happen inside me. Isn’t it the definition of ultimate slavery?

Later.