Going too deep = going insane

Oct 13

Going too deep into anything is very, very dangerous and when I say dangerous it's not a life and death scenario but an equivalent fucked up one.

After watching Californication, it all started for me. It's one of the finest shows ever made and I guess the most misunderstood too. Most people think Californication as misogynistic, misleading and shitty show. But that's where everyone is unbelievably wrong. Californication as one of the characters of the show itself says "about a guy who tries to keep it together when everything is falling apart". It changed the way I look at almost everything. After Californication, I couldn't watch a routine normal show or movie as it helped me understand the value of words.

Because of the show, I started believing that literature has the power to change people very much, words matter a lot as they hit really hard at times. So, I started wondering why write shitty dialogues? if words are wonderful… this thought was constantly popping up in my head whenever I look at the movies that are being made. And I stopped watching movies and shows in general and started watching only very little content as there is less number of shows and movies that had decent writing.

From this perspective, I've decided that only I'm gonna watch shows or movies that are mostly drama and realistic. So, then I picked Shameless and Bojack Horseman as my main shows to watch. Watching Shameless made me look at the world in an awful way and Bojack gave me extreme introspection which just made me unbelievably sad. Every episode of Bojack deals with extreme realities in a very much depressing way which stayed with for days even after watching the episode. In the first season Bojack says "Life is a series of closed doors, isn't it?", this dialogue stayed with me forever… I mean heck it's extremely true and I started thinking about everything I had missed and realized that maybe it's just meant to be missed.

Whenever Bojack says that he has no self-control and all, I would start thinking I too don't have any self-control and that's why I'm wasting the time instead of working (as I'm a computers Undergrad)… this thought made me loathe myself in an extreme manner as it felt very wrong to just live every day without learning something. In between all this, I started exploring Jordan Peterson and life became darker. I know he's a legend and helped many but after all the shit that I got from the shows, his speeches hit me hard in a different way than for the others. I was sad that I'm not doing anything i.e, learning much and wasting time but after watching JBP, I was more sad that people are not feeling sad enough for wasting their time. This question made me think more and more about people and I became furious and sad beyond anything.

I was angry that why people are studying for money? I've decided that people should educate themselves for only one reason i.e because they're living in society. Yes, everyone should improve or develop themselves as they're living in society so that they can help others to improve. This whole damn thing stayed with me forever making me forget that I've to improve or develop first before thinking about others. All this stuff just wasted my time, ruined my mood, sleep and started eating me alive…

I started hating people who watch a movie or show that has low-grade writing(like flash, supergirl etc). I even stopped listening to songs by Taylor Swift, Shakira, One direction and so many others and started listening to Bob Dylan, Warren Zevon, Dan Wilson etc as they write the best lyrics and got angry on why people aren't listening to these… But I again used to feel why the heck does it matter to me? this question will make me more sad that I'm just wasting my time thinking all this and Jordan Peterson says to take responsibility and I'm not… this used to make me more and more angry and sad and finally takes a week or two to be normal.

I'll do something for a day or two(coding) and again it repeats, why people around me are not working more? how they're happy without learning more? why shitty movies and shows are being made? and how on earth people are enjoying those? These thoughts just ruined the whole mind, sleep and no matter what I do, I was stuck with these. Then Mr. Robot slowly made me think about this shit and helped me to some extent. In an episode of the show, Elliot is "How can I take off a mask when it stops being a mask when it's as much a part of me as I am?" this made me think is this why I am sad? am I sad willingly? or am I liking all these stupid thoughts? These questions scared the shit out of me and I began trying to ignore useless shit and started to focus on my shit as this what taking responsibility is all about. I can't just waste time thinking what others are doing and why? It doesn't help me in any way and in fact, it doesn't help anybody.

I realized maybe I'm thinking about all this very deeply. It's just a series why on earth does it matter to me if people are listening to Taylor Swift? or watching a shitty Marvel movie? If I don't like it then I won't watch it, end of story. As again Elliot in Mr.Robot says "Ignorance is bliss" and yes it is indeed. What others do is their business and I don't have anything to say about it and that's how I made peace with everything and turns out it's the main reason why Hank Moody is so cool in Californication. So, yes I still watch all these shows and even follow Jordan Peterson but I'm just implementing what I've learned from all these to just myself, which is the only way to live happy I guess and as Ayn Rand says it's not selfish to be concerned about ones own interests.

So the conclusion is as Bojack also believes "I was stupid that I've wasted all these days being miserable because I assumed that was the only way to be". Never go too deep into anything, period. So, heck with all this then.